I had another long dream last night about being in an episode of 90210 (maybe it was a made-for-TV movie). The guys were drag racing across the country (I found it rather strange that Steve, the rich kid of the show, was driving a beat-up black Nissan). The plotline of the show revolved around people they knew being kidnapped. My role in the episode was not fully explained except that I was on the varsity softball team at high school (a recurring dream) and that I damaged a nerve in my hand and could not play anymore. I also had a very nice blue Saab (much newer than my old one, but not brand new--I wonder whether this is symbolic of things starting over in my life?). Anyway, so somehow I/we got to the area where the missing people where (it involved a trip to Wal-Mart or something). All these people were sitting in the bleachers as if watching a sporting event, except they were turned the opposite way. One sister yelled to her younger sister, "I'd die if you were any more pathetic; thank god you can't be" or something like that, which I found very amusing. I noticed my cat Sasha (who's dead) taking a bath in the mud by the bleachers. She really liked getting in up to her head, which is odd, because she hated baths while living. I kept trying to pull her out, but she would just sit on the grass for a bit and then get back in. I wondered if I were in the land of the dead. I've actually visited this place before in dreams, except that the bleachers were inside, in my grandmother's basement. I decided to leave. I took Sasha with me, but as I got further away I noticed that she had turned into our current geriatic, our Boston Terrier Maggie. (Is Maggie going to die soon?)

This dream occurred pretty late in the morning (between 4 and 7); they usually do. I think my insomnia is throwing everything off. I wish things were cleared, happier in my life for everyone. I feel terribly at fault and never meant to do anything wrong. On a brighter note, maybe something needed to happen so that all could move forward, I don't know. I'm always the deluded optimist; maybe that's the problem. Maybe I need to dig my hands down in the dirt, arch my head up, and wail, "life sucks!"

I just hope I don't find Sasha down there in the dirt.