Limbo

My Mom went in for surgery at 1:30 this afternoon, but we still haven't heard anything. The veil of numbness that cloaked me much of the afternoon has worn through, and now the pit of my stomach is in total rebellion. What is taking so long? Is no news good news? I scan the possibilities of phone conversations I may have with my grandmother sooner or later tonight: (1) she did well, (2) she's out of surgery, but there were complications, (3) I'm so sorry. Helplessness is the worst feeling on the planet, worse than anger or sadness or depression, all of which can be approached constructively. Helpless is just...helplessness. Vulnerability. It's been raining for hours and hours here. I try not to read too much into things.